phoenix ashes
dreams, dormious projectionous potion and red leather (chapter 7)



**Severus' Dream**

(A hotel ballroom and there's a concert going on. An anouncer in a
bright blue sparkly jacket comes out on the stage.)

Anouncer: It's showtime. Introducing the hardest working man in
showbusiness.Mr Dynamite. Mr James Brown.

(The crowd go crazy.Hermione comes out onto the stage and takes the

Hermione: Ladies and gentlemen, James Brown will not be appearing
tonight due to unforseen circumstances, but stay right where you are,
because the Hogwarts Hotel is proud to present the Potion Master of
Soul, and ,well, here he is.

(The spotlight trains on Severus, who is wearing a tuxedo.The crowd
groan. Severus comes out onto the stage.)

Severus(shyly): Hi everybody.Good evening.How was your night?

(Sirius, who's sitting in the audience stands up as if to go home.)

Person in Audience: Go home!

Sev: Who wants to get funky tonight?

(Sev turns to the band who is behind him)

Remus(one of the band members): Go ahead and make it funky

Sev: Yeah.

(The music starts and Sev's foot is tapping to the beat of its own

Sev(singing): Get up, get on up Get up,(Hermione looks worried) get
on up (girls in tiny gold outfits dance on and dance next to him)Stay
on the scene, like a sex machine (Spins around and then does the
splits)Wait a minute! (Ginny, who is in the crowd is really enjoying

Shake your arm, then use your form Stay on the scene like a sex
machine You got to have the feeling sure as you're born Get it
together right on, right on.

Backing singers:right on. right on.

Sev: Right on right on.

Backing singers:right on. right on.

Sev: Right on right on.

Backing singers:right on. right on.

Sev: Right on right on.

Backing singers:right on. right on.

Sev: Right on right on.

Backing singers:right on. right on.

(Herrmione is dancing)

Sev: Right on right on.

Backing singers:right on. right on.

(Sev runs and flips himself off the stage, when he lands he slids
himself under the table and comes up dancing.He ends up standing by
Ginny, and Sirius.Sev shakes his bottom in her face.She reaches out
and pokes him in the bottom and squeals.Sev turnsround so he's facing
her and waves his bum in Sirius' face, who doesn't look impressed.He
does a bit more dancing,spins around, jumps on to the speakers and
poses.Fireworks go off)

We cut to James Brown's backstage dressing room, where we can still
hear the music, and see James Brown

holding an icepack to his head.He sits up a bit and takes the ice
pack off his head)

James Brown: God God.

**End Severus' Dream**

Severus looks around at Sirius and the others, who were looking at it
speechless."What??!!"He snapped.

"That was a nice dream, especially with those girls in those little
gold outfits...Hermione could you possibly..."

"No Ron, I won't even consider it."

"Next time professor could you please dream about......"

"Why was I the bad guy?"

"SILENCE! I will not be told what to dream..."

"Ooh my dream self got to touch Snape's bum, I'm in the PS fanclub
now.He looked so good in that, what's it called again? Luxzedo?"

"You must mean tuxedo.Ginny and yeah he did.." Hermione muttered.

Draco turns to Sirius,"Oh I like that, she dreams about smearing ice
cream on *our* half dressed naked bodies, Professor Snape dreams that
and suddenly we're yesterday's news."

"I know, it bites." Sirius sighed.

Severus turned to Sirius, with an evil glint in his eyes."Black, I
took the potion, now it's your turn, unless your dreams are so

Sirius groaned but complied,'I hope it's an interesting dream.I'll
prove to Snape that my dreams are really interesting,nmuch more than
his...'He thought just before the potion took over.

**Sirius' Dream**


(Hermione's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a
creaking floor board is heard. Hermione reacts, grabbing a bat from
under her pillow. She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding
her bat. Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that
appears to be shooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from
Hermione's bed. Hermione leaps back, taking a beat to stare,
mesmerized. Looking closely, one can see an anthropomorphic form
standing in the blaze. A little to the left one can see Sirius
standing in the corner, wearing a pair of black pyjamas, just


(The Voice repeats itself. Hermione darts out of bed, she's only
wearing a nightshirt and a pair of black panties, and dashes out of
the room, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice
is in mid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the
canister, swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The
booming Voice sputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive
edge. Hermione stops squirting and turns on her bedside lamp.A
choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves
her away. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents
and drops to the floor, hacking. It is METATRON AKA Severus. Hermione
stares, shocked. Sirius is in the corner laughing his head off.)

Sirius(still laughing): Payback Snape. It smells sweet and the best
bit is that Hermione did it..

SEVERUS: Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?!

Hermione grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively.


Sirius: Language, Hermione.

SEVERUS:( slowly rising to his feet)I'm the one... who's soaked and...
she's the one who's pissed. That's rich!

HERMIONE(even more offensive with bat):Get the fuck out of here, now!

SEVERUS:Or you'll what exactly - hit me with that fffish?

The bat Hermione held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and

SEVERUS:Now just sit down on the bed and shut up!(to himself; off
clothes)Look at my suit...!

HERMIONE:Take whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me...

SEVERUS:Oh give over! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to.(unzips
pants and pulls them off) See, Angels are ill-equipped.

(Hermione stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Severus.
There is nothing where some sexual genitalia should be - his as
smooth and anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.)

Sirius: Ha I always thought you were ill equipped but now you've
proved it.

SEVERUS:See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.(rings out
pants)Hand me that towel.Hermione throws him a towel)You bottom
feeders and your arrogance - you think everyone just want to get in
your knickers.

HERMIONE:What are you?

Sirius: A greasy git..

SEVERUS:I'm pissed off is what I am. do you go around drenching
everyone that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No
wonder you're single.(pulls pants back on)

SEVERUS: Stand back.

Severus flexes and huge wings extend from his back, dripping water.
Hermione goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall.

SEVERUS:As I was saying prior to you fire fighting escapade - I am
the Metatron.(Hermione stares, saying nothing, pinned against the
wall. Severus looks insulted and his wings droop.) Don't tell me the
name doesn't ring a bell?

Sirius: Uhhh, I take that as a no.

(Hermione remains silent and wide-eyed. Severus gets testy. )

SEVERUS: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth
knowing, right?

(beat)I am a seraphim.(beat)The highest choir of angels?(beat)You do
know what an angel is, don't you?

(Hermione slowly nods.)

SEVERUS: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion
when some yahoo claims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to
me. Or they're speaking to themselves.

HERMIONE: Why doesn't God speak for himself?

SEVERUS: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that -
human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to
withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it,
you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your
chest. We went through five Adam's before we figured that one out.

HERMIONE: How do I know you're an angel?

SEVERUS:Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive
wingspan? You want more proof? Fine. How about a tequila?(snaps

(INT. MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT Hermione and Severus sit at a table.Sirius
is lurking in the corner close enough to hear what they are saying.
Severus waves a WAITER over.

HERMIONE:Where the hell are we?!

SEVERUS:The only place one can go for good tequila.(to Waiter)Dos
tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass.

WAITER: Si. Senor.

(The Waiter turns to leave)

SEVERUS:Gracias, senor.

HERMIONE:We're in Mexico?!

SEVERUS:Actually, we're in the Chili's down the street from your
house, but it's impressive nonetheless (AN: Is that one word or not?)

(Severus points to his back, where the wings are gone now):You don't
mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our profile

HERMIONE:What do you want with me?

SEVERUS:I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.

(The Waiter arrives with their drinks. )

SEVERUS:Oh - Gracias!(he leaves)

HERMIONE: Just for the record,I work in an abortion clinic.

SEVERUS:( spits tequila into empty glass)Noah was a drunk and look
what he accomplished. And no one's asking you to build an ark. All
you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very
important day.

HERMIONE:That doesn't sound like a crusade.

SEVERUS:Aside from the fine print, that's it.

Sirius: And that is?

HERMIONE: What's the fine print?

SEVERUS:( mumbles into
glass):stop acoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegating-


HERMIONE:Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

SEVERUS:( spits into empty glass) Stop a couple of angels from
entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it
spelled out for them.

HERMIONE: You might want to clarify that.

SEVERUS: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and
his wrath was bore by the Angel of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom
and Gomorrah were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped out
everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie? That was
Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear
God's wrath any longer.


SEVERUS: He listened to his friend - a Grigori by the name of

HERMIONE: Grigori?

SEVERUS: One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. Guess
what they do? So one day, Loki's wiping out all the first born of

HERMIONE: Ahh, The Tenth Plague.

SEVERUS: Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you
blankly; mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and
everyone's a theology scholar. May I continue uninterrupted?(Hermione
nods)So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes his friend
Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they
get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of
God is okay and in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his
position and take a lesser one - one that doesn't involve slaughter.
So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits: throws down his fiery
sword, gives him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us.
because from that day forward, God decreed that angels could no
longer imbibe alcohol. Hence

all the spitting.So for their insolence, God decreed that neither
Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.

Sirius: Go Loki, I want to meet him.

HERMIONE: Were they sent to Hell?

SEVERUS:Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And
when the world ends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity.

Sirius: Wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy,well, except maybe for

HERMIONE: And this has what to do with me?

SEVERUS:Somebody's clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that
would allow them to re-enter Heaven.

HERMIONE:So what? They beat the system. Good for them.

(Sirius is standing behind Severus and is pulling strange faces and
is also making rude gestures as well)

SEVERUS:It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed
God's decree. Now listen up because this part is very important:
existence in all it's form and splendor functions solely on one
principle: God is infallible. To prove God wrong would undo reality
and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become
white, existence would become nothingness. In essence - if they are
allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.

HERMIONE:If this is so major, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't
God do something?

SEVERUS: He could, but He'd rather see you take care of this one


SEVERUS:Because of who you are.

Sirius: And who is she?

HERMIONE:And who am I?

Sirius: I believe I just asked that.

SEVERUS:The girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions,just
serve your purpose.

Sirius: I love that quote...

HERMIONE:I'll pass.

Sirius: Go Hermione..

SEVERUS:I beg your pardon?

HERMIONE: When some quiet infection destroyed my uterus - where was
God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't
bear his children - where was God?

Sirius: I never knew that... So if I shag you, I won't get into

SEVERUS:D on't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of
being just because you have a grudge against your creator.So you lost
the ability to make life. You're being offered the chance to play
mother to the world by acting like one and protecting it - saving it.
(swigs his drink and spits it out)But I can't make you.However, if
you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your
responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.

Sirius: Don't listen to him, Hermione.

HERMIONE: What, more angels?

Sirius: No more, Snape, I can't handle that...

SEVERUS: Prophets - in a matter of speaking...You'll know them right
away - who speaks - and he will at great lengths, whether you want
him to or not - will make

mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything,
but he'll be helpful just the same.(looks at watch)I have to go.
You'll do what you will, but try to remember that we're working in a
time frame here.

Severus moves to exit.

HERMIONE: Hey.(Severus turns) What's he like?

Sirius: What? Who?

SEVERUS:God?(thinks)Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of

Sex for example.There's nothing funnier than the faces you make mid

HERMIONE: Sex is a joke in Heaven?

Sirius: What? NOOOO!!!! I'm not going to Heaven now if I can't get
any action....

SEVERUS: The way I understand it, It's mostly a joke down here too.

(And with that, Severus shakes some maracas.)

( INT. HERMIONE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Hermione startles awake, her radio
is talking and she turns it off and reaches under her pillow as she
stretches. She pulls out some maracas.)

**End Sirius' Dream**