phoenix ashes
dreams, dormious projectionous potion & red leather



 by Jade
Author's Note: Some of the dream sequences are from the film 'Not Another Teen Movie' and others. I think they should stop watching those muggle movies before they go to bed.

2nd Author's Note: "Blah blah" is speaking, 'thinks' is thought, **Zzzzz** is dream sequences, //POV// is the characters POV and +FB+ is a flashback. Also all dream sequences are in script form to make it easier to separate them. I also take the micky out of several actors so if you don't like it, don't read it.

"Today we'll be testing a new potion a couple of dunderheads had invented, quite by accident. I believe it is a new version of truth potion." Snape growled, looking around at his wary students, and hid a smirk as he remembered how the potion, he was now holding in his hand, came to be. +FB+

It was all Jade Kirk's and Ginny Weasley's fault. If Jade hadn't've added too many newts' livers, it wouldn't've exploded, and he wouldn't've gotten a faceful of the stuff Most of it had landed in Snape's hair and was slowly dripping down his face making him look like a badly iced cake and there was a foul smell of chicken and lemon cake in the air. Unfortunately he couldn't dismiss them for another hour so he resigned himself to listening to the two girls gossip about boys and make up.

Jade had then turned to Ginny Weasley and had admitted to having a huge crush on Professor Lupin and then proceeded in telling, a stunned Ginny and an amused Snape, just who she had been kissing, and doing other things with, in great detail, making Ginny and Snape blush. Ginny had giggled and admitted to having crushes on Draco Malfoy and Siruis Black, causing Snape's eyebrows to raise. Jade had just giggled. Ginny also admitted to a secret fantasy of her's
involving Draco Malfoy and Sirius Black. Snape found himself admitting to them that he liked Hermione causing Jade to giggle and Ginny to exclaim that she thought they were perfect for each other. Jade had just giggled(A/N: She's a real giggler, not like me at all.). When the potion had worn off a little while later they resolved not to tell anyone else what they had revealed to each other, but they also plotted to find out what does go on in the students' minds so 'Project Mind-Sifter' was born.

Snape shook his head, banishing those images to the back of his mind, he said, "Now I will be giving you each a small amount of potion. I will be asking you questions. What you tell me will go no further, unless of course it is of interest to me." He walked around the desks giving out vials of the potion. When he was done he, returned to his desk and, pointed to Harry Potter. "You Potter. Drink your potion."

Harry looked worried but downed it anyway.

Snape smirked, 'This is easier than I thought.'

A dream-like expression came over Harry's face.

"Now Potter tell me the dream you had last night." A bubble had emerged from Harry's head and images swirled around in it, slowly coming into focus and Harry's dream started.

**Harry's Dream

(An American Football game and Harry is sitting on the sidelines. They other players are running around, tackling each other, and the clock on the scoreboard ticks to zero.)

Announcer: Whoah that was the fastest first half in football I've ever seen.

(We cut to Lavender, and the other Gryffindor cheerleaders, Three of their rivals, the Slytherins girls, march over.) Pansy their leader gets into Lavender's face.)

Pansy: Don't think you're fooling us coz we saw you at our practices and we know you stole our routines.

Lavender: 'Kay, I don't know what you're talking about and we've always done our own cheers. Right girls?

Ginny and Hermione: That's right.

Pansy: Well you better bring it.

Lavender: Oh it's already been brought.

Parvati: Nice come back Lavender.

(Cut to the Gryffindor girls' cheer)

Cheerleaders: We are the sexy slytherins. We're bad, we know it! We shake our big booties and we show it! We ain't good! We ain't good! We definitely ain't good! Break it down dudes! (they do their dance to a techno beat)

(Cut to the Announcer. We see the announcers face for the first time and it's...................)

Snape: Damn those bitches represent.
**End Harry's dream.

"Cheerleaders? Mr Potter, American Football?" Snape commented, flabbergasted. 'Well that was new. Why didn't that happen when it exploded?'

"Yeah well, Professor, that was quite a nice dream considering..." Harry blushed.

"Damn, why don't we have cheerleaders here?" Dean yelled across the classroom.

"Probably because you wouldn't be able to concentrate on the game if we did, Mr Thomas."

"Harry, How could you dream of such a demeaning thing?" Hermione wailed.

"Come on Hermione, You looked good in Harry's dream."

'He's right....Damn, shame it was only a dream.' Snape thought to himself, getting lost into his fantasy, only coming out of it when Harry said something. "Huh? Potter did you just say something?"

"I asked, who was next?" Harry stated.

Snape stared at him a bit longer then turned to Draco Malfoy. "Mr Malfoy, you're next."

Draco downed it in one, and waited, 'Ooh I hope it doesn't show that nice dream about Harry.' were his thoughts before the dream took over.

**Draco's Dream**

(An American Football game (again) and Draco is sitting on the sidelines. They other players are running around, tackling each other, one of the other players is injured and the coach turns to Draco.)

Coach: Ok Draco I've got no choice you're the only quarterback I have left.

(Draco looks worried at this, but before he can do anything a shadow falls over him)

Shadow: Got butterflies huh?

Draco: Who are you?

Shadow (unzipping his jacket, revealing BA, who sits down): I'm the wise janitor. I've come to impart knowledge, helping youngsters overcome their fears also replace the tablets on the urinals, but right now I'm here to help you get your throw back. Draco: How did you......

BA: I've been watching you, during practice, in the hallways, in the locker room, taking a shower, whipping the other boys with a wet towel, Hmmm, can tell you kinda like that.

Draco: Whoah can we get back to my throw?

**End Draco's Dream**

"I think you two have been watching 'Not Another Teen Movie' too many times, Mr Potter, Mr Malfoy..."

"How do you know about muggle movies, Professor?"

"Well...." Snape mumbled, 'One of my brothers lives in the muggle world and when I visit he makes me watch the latest films...Thinking of him, haven't seen him in a while. Hmm who's next? I know Hermione. I have to see who she dreams of.' He glared at Draco, "Never you mind.
Miss Granger you're next."

Hermione grinned, not looking at all worried and drank the potion.

**Hermione's dream.**
( Potions lab. Hermione walks in and sees professor Snape wearing a bunny girl outfit. She walks towards him.)

Hermione: Professor? What are you wearing?

Snape: Oh you're right I should change.(takes out wand and points it at himself, changing his clothes into a long toga) How's this? Not good enough? Hermione: Well.........I prefer it tighter.

Snape: Damn girl you are hard to please. (Points wand at himself again and he turn his clothes into a suit, and he's holding a Series 4 Deatomizer ala Men in Black) How's this?

Hermione: Nah Tommy Lee Jones is not my type.

Snape: (sighs) God give me strength (Points wand at himself again and he turn his clothes into an Indian) This satisfy you my dear?

Hermione: I never wanted to be a squaw.

(Snape takes out wand and points it at himself, changing his clothes into an extremely tight red leather catsuit, with horns coming out of his head and complete with a pointed tail, which shows of his body very nicely)

Snape: How does this tickle your fancy? (Hermione gulps but he can see she likes it. Snape smirks and reaches for the zip that is down the front of the catsuit) Or would you prefer it off me? (Slowly unzips the catsuit) Tell me you want it off

Hermione: Take it off, (Snape is still slowly unzipping the catsuit) Stop being a tease. If you don't get it off in the next minute I will rip it off. (Snape walks slowly toward her and leans in still unzipping the zip, they embrace in a passionate kiss. But Snape suddenly pulls back and begins rapidly licking Hermione's ear with a rough tongue... which is kinda weird.)

**End Hermione's dream **